My husband and I have a monthly budgeting meeting, which we can now refer to with some affection as the “budget pow wow.” I believe for married couples, or those in a committed relationship, a successful budgeting meeting is the key that unlocks the door to an effective financial management system. The pow wow is a habit we’ve been in since we got married, but the affectionate part has evolved over the past two years as we’ve made some small, but significant adjustments in our approach to financial management. Our pow wows at present are virtually unrecognizable from the anxiety ridden, tear-filled, exchanges they used to be.

Then:
We’d convene once monthly to account for spending, plan the next month’s spending and evaluate the state of our financial union. It was, for me, a stressful scramble to find receipts and explain unrecorded purchases. The dynamics of our situation complicated financial issues. We were struggling college students. Nate made most of the money. I had difficulty requesting money for unnecessary purchases (ie fun/pleasurable spending) – even asking for generous enough amounts for necessary ones. I always thought I should/would be able to feed our family for less than what the previous months had shown it would cost. So we’d under-budget for things that I was responsible for purchasing (ie food) and then I’d feel a month’s worth of stress, and a pow wow full of shame, for over-spending.

When I did mention a desire for something extra, I was met with a response akin to, “well, that money has to come from somewhere, if you want those things, you might have to earn the money for them.” Discouraged by the perceived unwillingness to facilitate my financial needs, I stopped asking. And started resenting the budget because, in my world, it was the restrictive and stifling reason why I couldn’t have things that were important to me.

Now, to defend my husband, who I feel like I have unfairly vilified, I think it just took him some time to let go of his white-knuckled grip on the financial reigns. He grew up in a family where money was always an ugly issue because they never had enough. His resulting anxieties about not having enough and his determination to best his childhood circumstances made it hard for him to trust that I wasn’t going to go spendthrift on him and bankrupt our savings. Little did he know, he’d married a woman whose frugality causes ulcers when forced to pay more than $.99/lb. for purple grapes. Prodigious spending should have been at the bottom of his list of things to worry about. Our combined weaknesses and insecurities led to hostile budgeting pow wows and reluctant (read: loose) compliance with financial goals on my part.

Ironically, there were really only two things that changed to take us from the dreaded pow wows of yore to the bearable, sometimes enjoyable, planning sessions of the present.

Now:
First, and I know this is sort of the old stand-by solution for all of life’s problem, but I’m going to re-emphasize it – we needed to communicate more honestly. So my advice to fellow budgeters whose monthly money meetings are less amiable and productive than desired is: talk. Talk. And…talk. And then when you don’t think you could possibly talk about anything else – talk more. Express your frustrations, needs, anxieties, desires. And make each other feel safe and understood by listening thoughtfully and validating one another’s financial needs.

Second, I needed to feel some sense of financial autonomy and control within the structure of the budget, and my husband needed to recognize that my financial needs, although foreign to him, were important. The solution: establish separate “fun funds.” By fun fund, I mean a predetermined monthly amount given to each budgeting partner that does not have to be explained or justified. These purchases should still be recorded in the budget for balance tracking purposes, but the “memo” column on the YNAB spreadsheet can be left blank and inquiring minds need not ask what you spent thirty fun-fund dollars on at Target last week. The fun fund has completely revolutionized our budgeting. I like the feeling of exclusive control my little fun fund affords. And knowing that I can spend a few pleasure-filled dollars on non-necessity items makes it easier to stick to the other, more rigid, parts of our financial plan. Also, knowing that the fun fund is mutual, I feel less vindictive about my husband’s discretionary spending.

We’re both allowed “for fun” purchases, so there’s no need to feel angry or resentful of the other person’s. It’s been good for me, even with our limited resources, to bite my tongue while watching him make purchases that I would never deem budget-worthy. And to realize that he’s exercising the same restraint every time I bring home more canvasses to paint or vintage glassware from the local thrift store. And, since fun fund levels are never ample enough for all of our material desires, it’s also a good personal exercise in micro-level budgeting–planning, saving, and resisting non-priority purchases, while saving for big ticket personal desires. I recommend making the fun fund a substantial enough amount, (which will vary depending on your personal financial circumstances,) to allow each budgeting partner to feel some fiscal autonomy.

Sometimes, most times, it’s just a tiny bit of tweaking that makes a terrific impact in a personal management program. For us, with budgeting, it was as simple as more thorough communication, which facilitated more mutual understanding, and a little discretionary cash in our pockets to enable us to stick to our financial plan with increased focus and determination because we each felt a greater degree of personal contentment. The miracle of it all? It’s that I am now a budget crusader (sort of.) I preach the beauty of the budget, the peace of the plan, and the rewards of achieving financial goals. I love it. It’s not restrictive or stifling, it’s empowering to have and follow a financial plan and to make purchases with peace of mind. And every single one of those juicy little fruits of personal money management stem from the life-giving root that is a peaceful and productive monthly pow wow. And (bonus!) it’s as good for the relationship as it is for the pocket-book.

I’m what you could call a bargain braggart. Instead of maintaining a mysterious vagueness about my penny-pinching, I’m prone to broadcast the fact that: These sandals? They were $.79 at the Goodwill! And: that vest that my son wore to church last week? The one that could have passed for Gap Kids finery? It was $1.99 on the clearance rack at Wal Mart! I bloom for the fact that I get more compliments on the ninety-nine cent wedge slides that I found on an end-cap at Target than any pair of shoes I own. And that I bought them for less than a dollar. I can’t even find my favorite brand of gum, (Orbitz: cinnamon,) for less than a dollar.

Fact is, frugality and fashion are not mutually exclusive. And it’s easier than you think to pay less, way less, for clothing and footwear that will probably have fallen from fashion in a few short seasons.

Here are four of my favorite tips for finding a fashionable bargain:

Start looking around in local newspapers, church circulars and online message boards for consignment sales in your area. Not only are consignment shops a fantastic venue for fashion bargains, but sometimes consigners will set up shop in a local convention center or other public arena for a multiple-day sale and allow the public to place their goods on consignment. I peruse the Spring and Fall offerings of a local consignment sale on the half-off day and have successfully outfitted my three year old son in the likes of Gap Kids and Gymboree for less than fifty dollars each year. The only additional items I find myself needing in between are socks and underwear, which I purchase, as needed, from Target or Wal Mart.

A mention of the big-box retailers brings me to my next point: be aware of clothing needs in advance and peruse the clothing clearance racks when you’re out shopping. Shop with next year in mind; when retailers are clearancing out summer items, buy a size or two bigger than what your child is wearing and stash it away for next season. This may take some advanced planning, so be aware of your clothing needs by taking frequent inventory of the closets in your household. Plan ahead for the wedding outfit you’ll need next month or the Easter dress your daughter will need in the Spring and be looking for bargains in the mean time. I find that if I can acquire clothing gradually, with generous “heads up” on specific needs, I am able to purchase with greater discretion, waiting for a good deal, rather than scrambling to make a rushed purchase when a need becomes urgent. Just to give you an idea, it is not uncommon to find children’s tops for less than two dollars at Target and Wal Mart. In fact, I often find that if I’m savvy enough in the clearance section, I can buy new for the same amount it would cost me to buy used at a second hand store or on consignment. I have made it a habit to pop over to the clearance rack in the little boy’s section every time I’m grocery shopping at Wal Mart. And I browse the clearance racks at Target each time I’m there – it’s paying off in three dollar maternity shirts and seven dollar yoga pants. (And, of course, those ninety nine cent slides.)

Get over the stigma you’ve attached to buying used. Perfectly good clothing ends up at the Goodwill all the time and after a cycle through your washing machine, it’ll be as clean and presentable as any of the other item in your closet. Here in Dallas, designer threads from places like Herald’s, Jones New York, Banana Republic and Anne Taylor, rejects from the wealthier contingency in the area, show up on our local racks all the time. And in many instances, items on the shelves of second hand stores aren’t even used – they’ve still got tags and original packaging. Here, for example, Target and Fossil donate their overstocks and seconds to the Goodwill, so on any given day, you can find brand new items from those retailers at huge savings. And, because I can’t resist a plug for the earth, I also love buying used for the environmental implications. If I can wear the skirt that’s now too small for someone in Fort Worth, that’s a whole skirt’s worth of resources that don’t need to be used again to create a new one. Other viable venues for bargain clothing include Craig’s List and Ebay. And garage sales, though less convenient than their online counterparts, can be a wallet-friendly option for finding quality used goods. And the perk about garage sales, which I’ve learned from some of my more seasoned yard sale-ing peers that the sticker price is never the bottom line. Don’t be afraid to negotiate with the seller for a lower price than what they’re asking. People hosting yard sales are usually eager to get rid of their wares; you never know what kind of bargains you’ll end up with at the hands of an anxious seller.

Finally, talk to your frugal friends to discover their favorite discount locales and bargain shopping secrets. Ask around about consignment shops, community sales, the ins and outs of garage sale-ing, and annual retail sales. Let friends know when you’re looking for something specific and put feelers out for a bargain. Sometimes this might even pay off in a timely hand-me-down. Just the other day I mentioned my need for some new maternity clothes and one of the moms at our playgroup lit up with the realization that she has a box of them that she won’t be needing, and promptly offered them for my perusal.

Don’t be embarrassed about clothing yourself and your family frugally. You’ll quickly discover that frugal living does not require a tearful sacrifice of style on the altar of parsimony. And as you ditch your reservations about engaging in frugal jabber, you might be surprised to discover that most of your well-heeled friends have less discretionary cash in their couture clutches than you thought, and that your frugality may in fact be as fashionable to them as their designer jeans are to you.

I’m not really sure what qualifies me to contribute to this website, but here are my best guesses: I’m a YNAB user, a YNAB lover, really. We do it all–live on last month’s income, assign our dollars a job, save for a rainy day–and I’m converted to every principle. I’m married to an extremely fiscally minded man, already a certified public accountant, now studying to become a certified financial planner as well. We have many a money chat around here and I think I may have absorbed a portion of my financial sense through the osmosis of living with a being who emits so much fiscal chi. And finally, as household manager for our little family, much of my daily life centers on finding good deals, trying to remember our financial goals (ie I will forego the purchase of this $35 Williams Sonoma apron, which I am unduly fond of, whereby bringing us thirty five dollars closer to our bigger short-term financial goal, namely, purchasing a computer that will not mysteriously shut down on itself at unpredictable intervals…) and maximizing our limited means.

If you really want to get a feel for the authentic me, however, you should also know that I am an Oregon native, who, as a recent transplant to Texas, is trying to seamlessly incorporate the conjunction “y’all” into my vocabulary and tolerate humidity. My husband and three-year-old son are the central axes around which my entire universe rotates. I’m currently incubating child number two–a girl, due to join us later this summer–and as a result, am excessively keen on freshly-blended smoothies. I firmly believe that for forty weeks of gestation, one’s grocery budget should be elastic as one’s maternity paneled pants to accommodate the fickle cravings of pregnancy. Though I readily admit to having a lot of unfounded anxiety about extemporaneous purchases, my favorite places to spend money are Target, Ikea, Goodwill (or any second hand shop) and Sprouts. And if I had more money, my favorite places to spend might also include Boden, Anthropologie, Central Market and Restoration Hardware. I enjoy very few things as much as a long walk in pleasant weather with my husband, and I dislike few things as much as sweeping the kitchen floor and emptying the lint trap of the dryer.

If you’re still curious, feel free to visit me on my blog at www.emilyanne.net, where I write on subjects ranging from seasonal decor to healthcare reform. Stop by; it’s a good time. In this domain, I’ll be the first to admit my non-pundit status, but hopefully my contributions here will prove to be applicable, even helpful, in the daily pursuit of order in your financial homes.

I attended a business seminar on Friday, put on by Dave Ramsey (it was called Business Coach Live; I think it will be named EntreLeadership One Day in the future). His point was that leadership is a process — not an event.

This morning, I was reading the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership (a book recommended by Ramsey) and noticed that the Third Law of leadership is the Law of Process. In a few words: this whole leadership thing doesn’t happen overnight.

According to the author, John Maxwell, the difference between an event and a process can be outlined as follows:

So what about this whole money management thing? Is this an event, or a process?

Money Management as an Event

There may have been a few events that happened to encourage your examination of your own money management process. For some, it’s the realization that debt has become an ever-larger part of your (non-existent?) budget. For others, it’s the loss of a job, or perhaps transitioning from dual incomes to one. Whatever the case may be, you (hopefully) ended up somewhere on YouNeedABudget.com. And hopefully I was successful in motivating and encouraging you to change.

The point is to challenge you to change the way things have been–the status quo. Landing on this site, perusing the pages, pondering the possibilities…that’s all very easy. But once you take the plunge and actually begin? Well, it gets a bit tougher.

True Money Management is a Process

As you begin to look at what you’re trying to accomplish with your money, you quickly realize that if you’re going to win, you’ll have to be in it for the long haul. Yes, you’ll get some quick wins that will continually motivate you, but the nitty-gritty, down-in-the-trenches work is–well–work. There are no free lunches!

You’ll find that the process does mature you. What is maturity if not the ability to put off the child inside each of us that wants instant gratification and wants it now? A mature person recognizes what they truly value and can work toward that–even if gratification is still months, or even years, away.

When you begin breaking away from the packs of people spending aimlessly, gaining no traction, and wondering where all their money is going, you’ll see our current culture in a different light. You’ll see people continually doing things the wrong way and then complaining why everything’s not all right. 2+2=4. Every time.

Yes. As you begin this money management process, it will change you. You will recognize the value of your work much more because you’ll appreciate the value of the money it brings. Your money will begin doing what you want it to do and you’ll find that your contentment is a result of what your money is doing, not the amount of money you have.

Money management is a process and, according to Maxwell, that means it will be difficult. Perhaps you’ve already seen that!

My hope is for you to recognize that the path, although difficult, will be well-worth the trip.