Quite often in Webinars, I’ll finish explaining a concept and ask for clarifying questions. As the questions roll in, I’m occasionally asked “How can I get my husband to buy in?” or “My wife spends everything in the checking account and never checks the budget. What can I do?”
Each time I get the question, I’m reminded of an article I read years ago written by Amy Dacyczyn, who authored a very popular book on frugality called The Tightwad Gazette. Her article was about converting your spouse to a more frugal lifestyle, but I’ve always thought the advice might apply to budgeting.
So I finally dug out the book – which I highly recommend by the way – and thought I’d share her main points with you, and elaborate a bit on how they might apply to converting your spouse to budgeting.
I hope that you find something useful to help you move forward with your spouse.
1. Establish some financial goals you can both agree on.
This seems to me like a good place to start. You may not agree on everything, but perhaps your family is saving a down payment for a house, or trying to pay off some credit card debt. You might try asking your reluctant spouse what their financial goals are, and try finding common ground from there.
2. Gather evidence.
YNAB makes this suggestion very easy to implement. As time goes on, you’ll have a lot of financial data to look back at. It’s be easier to address spending leaks if you can point to the actual transactions that created them.
3. Discuss Budgeting at a “good time”.
Discussing things when everyone is in a good mood will lead to much more productive conversations. It’s probably not best to approach your spouse when you are very angry and he or she is feeling defensive. Start the conversation from a positive place.
4. Stick with the facts, avoid blame.
When discussing a specific concern, just state the facts.
“We agreed we’d make a $100 payment on the credit card bill. You bought a $50 video game. We only made an interest payment on the debt.”
That way, it’s about the facts, and not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s more difficult to dispute the facts.
5. Be the leader.
If your spouse won’t stick to the budget, you should still try. Lead by example. Your efforts alone may not solve everything, but some budgeting is better than no budgeting.
6. Request small changes rather than sweeping reform.
If you want to lower the “Eating Out” category by $200, start by agreeing to lower it by $50, and work from there. Or perhaps you might ask your spouse to wait one month to purchase something they really want. You aren’t saying no, you’re just saying not quite yet.
7. Give your spouse some freedom.
I’ve seen many YNABers do this successfully. Simply set up a category for each of you, and agree on an amount you can afford within your budget.
For example:
Fun Money – HIS – $50
Fun Money – HERS – $50
Each person can spend their amount without having to answer to the other person at all. Since it’s an amount you’ve agreed on and budgeted for, you can spend without worry.
8. Be patient.
Change takes time. I personally found it easier to stay committed to YNAB after six months had gone by and I could really see some positive change. It may take a while to turn things around financially, but if you are leading by example, some things are likely to get better. At that point hopefully your spouse will begin to see the benefits of budgeting and buy in a little more.
9. Give positive reinforcement when possible.
This is good advice in all situations. If your spouse does manage to stay under budget in a category, or bring you receipts so you can enter them, that’s a step in the right direction. Celebrate that!
I recognize that these tips may not solve all your issues in converting your spouse, but I thought there might be something in there that’s useful to some of you. If you have some tips of your own that worked with your spouse, feel free to share them by commenting on this post.
~Erin
YNAB Coach
Great subject Erin!
Your post got me to thinking a bit and here are a few other points people might consider when working to get a reluctant spouse/partner on board with YNAB.
• Explain that a budget is not about control, it’s about freedom!
Explain to your partner that it’s simply taking a look at what we have for money and deciding proactively where we want and need to spend our money instead of just blowing it all like we’ve been doing so far. When you talk to your partner, emphasis that ‘wants’ are every bit as important as needs but a budget simply allows you to map them out together to strike a balance. Budget for both then your needs *and* wants will be catered to.
• Ask them what they feel are the money ‘needs’ in your life.
While you will most likely agree on the bulk of your household needs your partner will no doubt have what they feel are ‘needs’ that you will consider ‘wants’. Likewise you will have a few yourself and listing them out side-by-side on paper to discuss it will create a feeling of cooperation and trust. The goal for the end of this step is to agree to a master list of needs that must be addressed in each budgeting session to allow the freedom to budget for the wants.
• Explain that it’s okay if they don’t want to lead.
If you are all about crunching the numbers in the budget then don’t force feed YNAB to them; they will only get defensive as a result. Instead explain that you’re okay with handling the day-to-day job of recording the outflows in the budget but you could use their help in 3 easy ways:
1) Help create a mutually agreed upon spending & savings plan (the budget).
2) Stick to the budget that you’ve agreed to.
3) Ask them to let you know whenever they spend money so that you can record it.
(The YNAB iPhone app could tackle points 2 and 3 above with ease for them too!)
• Bend a lot now and less later.
While you may feel that it’s more important to do X in your budget than Y; if you show that you are willing to see it their way right up front to a degree then they will be more receptive to your view of the world as the whole idea of budgeting grows on them. That’s not to say that you should just let them dominate the whole plan up front only to twist it around to your way later but more that you need to show them that you are willing to bend and in doing so they will return the favor. The goal of course is that you will meet in the middle and map out a budget that you can both feel comfortable with!
Great post!!
These ideas reinforce what my husband and I were talking about just last night!
My husband was upset that we had to bail ourselves out with our savings (AGAIN) and he didn’t understand why. I showed him the spending, and I told him that both of us have overspent and we both need to reduce so we can both see the benefits down the road.
I am the one he put in charge of the budget but I was feeling reluctant because he was constantly criticizing how I was handling it. And because I am so much like my mother, I shut down every single time!!! I told him that and because I am communicating with him, he is realizing just how much stress he has been putting on me and how much it was making me want to quit.
Communicating has been the best thing for us and has helped us get to the bottom of the budgeting battle we have faced for the past 15 years.
I am so glad we found YNAB and yes we found it together, sitting in front of the computer for hours trying to decide which budgeting system look to have the best potential for us.
Oh and don’t forget that you love each other and you would do anything for your spouse!
In my personal experience, spouse conversion does take some time. I think the key is not to move them into the details of budgeting too quickly. Before I brought my wife into the process I tracked a month of spending. As you can imagine, the hard data of where our money was going in a typical month quickly makes you realize how much bias we each have about our individual spending. We tend to justify and forget our purchases, and remember our sacrifices.
So with a months worth of data, you meet with your spouse and admit to yourselves that you both have a problem. This is not an opportunity to place blame. Lead by example and take some responsibility for your current mess, but don’t wallow in it for very long though. The past is past.
Now, the great part about doing the YNAB legwork for a month first, is that you can immediately do something about your problem. You can grab the reins and start budgeting right away. So with your spouse put together next month’s budget. This is also the time to introduce the “Fun Money” category. I cannot stress enough how much this category can change your marriage. It might as well be called the “resentment preventer fund.” When you ask your spouse to accept all the limitations that budget requires, you need to give them freedom over some money somewhere. Even $30 a month can prevent someone from feeling powerless and frustrated.
Ok, you have a plan together, but it will take a while for habits to change and for you to see results. It is normal for your spouse (and yourself at times) to hate the budget. You may even wonder how you’re going to last the final few days of the month, but you will, and when you do, you’ll feel a great sense of accomplishment that you both can share.
A month at a time, you will get better at budgeting for each category and you will start to see the results in your bank account. If your spouse is anything like mine, they will begin to appreciate the budget and will willingly get more involved.
One last suggestion, praise each other. When your spouse makes a sacrifice for the budget, thank them. When you finish a month on budget, give each other a high five. I’m serious. The more your spouse knows that you appreciate their efforts, the more they will fight to win. You’re a team.
Direct and effective control of our finances has changed my marriage for the better. Have faith and love each other.
thank you for your encouraging and constructive suggestions – it came just in time for our family to focus on a budget – so I can stay home! Thanks for all you do, and keep up the good work.
As a single person this is still helpful; thanks. Also, here are some tips for the writer of the Tightwad Gazette. I choose to have NO children over SIX, which is a big money-saver. If you have less kids, you can go out to dinner once in a while instead of learning how to stretch another can of beans, using beet juice on your cheeks, or recycling your plastic milk jugs over and over again. Think about it.