by Nutmegan » Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:10 am
Phoebe:
I read about your dilema some time ago, but just recently registered.
All the posts are right, you CANNOT change him and he must agree to whatever "controls" are put in place. They say there are spenders and savers and every marriage has one of each. Of course, that's all to varying degrees.
I, the saver, am married to a spender that used to be married to an even bigger spender where he was considered the saver (though not really, just more careful than her). That said, he'd been burned many times by being out of town on business and getting stranded or going to pay a customer's dinner bill only to have it rejected, etc. Major embarrassment, humiliation. So, our situation is somewhat different in that we both agree to our arrangement, but here's how it works. I handle the finances and he writes me one check per month to cover a portion of the bills, budget, etc. We both contribute to budget and he's pretty good about saving receipts. He still spends more than I'd like (he LOVES to eat out, even to pick up coffee or fountain Coke). However, the way we work it is I deposit the check he gives me into my checking account (without his name) and then spread that into different categories and transfer to savings for rainy day funds (also without his name). Then on YNAB, I have 3 different accounts that I work from -- my CU checking account; my CU Savings account (rainy day/freedom); and the third "Hubby Cash" This is seperate from the check he writes me but "about" what he spends on gas, groceries, clothes, eating out, etc. that comes from HIS checking account/debit card. Then I track these with the budget. If he runs out of money, he runs out of money, I don't give him any and he's never asked. Of course if we have a rainy day expenditure -- like car repair that he "paid" for, I'll reimburse him the cash and record it as spent.
It may sound confusing, but it works for us and it's something we agree to. I'd much prefer that we could totally trust and have everyone's name on the same account(s). But I respect his need for control -- that he never wants to be in a situation where there's no money in the account when he goes to use his debit card (like what happened with his ex - even though I know I'd never do that in a million years) and he respects that I need $XX amount to cover the bills and have a need to record everything I can. I do some guesstimating, especially when he spoils me with gifts -- on the one hand I "need" spoiling (something very foreign to me), but on the other I want to scream, don't spend money on me. So, in the end we have to balance each other. He is seeing the bigger, long term picture, s-l-o-w-l-y. I'm hopeful this can provide insight.
There's no right or wrong way but you cannot control someone else without their consent and treating them like a child will only encourage them to act like a child.
Sorry so long . . .
that wore him down, I think the corner-turner was Smart Couples Finish Rich, by David Bach. We bought this book several years ago, but it sat on a shelf until last year. I read it, and one of the things it emphasizes is "doing money" (my phrase, not his) together, so my husband & I started doing some of the goal-setting activities together. And waddaya know? He's all about staying within his allowance now, and paying off our debt so we have more money to do fun things later. I like the way the book approached starting with your values, and building your finances around that. I know lots of people on this forum are crazy for David Ramsay, and I don't know too much about him, but I have read lots & lots of "money stuff" online and in magazines (for some reason, not too many books, though), and I found Bach's approach to be refreshing & HELPFUL.
