YNAB You Need A Budget

[phoebe]

Ok, I have started and restarted ynab several times, it is never going to work unless i find a solution for this. Lets say i have $ 500 in my buffer, then hubby sees it as $500 extra and spends it, we've talked about it, but hes an instant gratification person, what do I do? Open a separate account and put the money in there each payday? I dont know and I am frustrated.

Phoebe

[J.Mann]

Ok, I have started and restarted ynab several times, it is never going to work unless i find a solution for this. Lets say i have $ 500 in my buffer, then hubby sees it as $500 extra and spends it, we've talked about it, but hes an instant gratification person, what do I do? Open a separate account and put the money in there each payday? I dont know and I am frustrated.

Phoebe

Does he see the money in YNAB and spends it? or he sees money in you bank account and spends it?

You and him need to get on the same page before ANY budget will work for you.

Good luck!

[phoebe]

He sees it in the bank and spends it, I have talked until i am blue in the face, he is just immature financially, he is 45 and has never been responsible financially, which is partly why we are in a mess. I have explained YNAB to him, but hes just not interested, its like "oooh, extra money.....TOYS"!!

I know what you mean about being on the same page, but he's the kind that needs an allowance, We have been married for 13 yrs and its always been this way

[Patzer]

Ok, I have started and restarted ynab several times, it is never going to work unless i find a solution for this. Lets say i have $ 500 in my buffer, then hubby sees it as $500 extra and spends it, we've talked about it, but hes an instant gratification person, what do I do? Open a separate account and put the money in there each payday? I dont know and I am frustrated.

Phoebe

Unfortunately, this issue is beyond the scope of any financial software. It's really a relationship and household authority/responsibility issue.

To distill it down to the basics, when one spouse wants to save and the other spouse wants to spend, the marital finances are built on spending. Unless and until both spouses see a need to control spending and live by a budget, the outlook for a successful budget is not good. In extreme cases, money conflict can cause the end of a marriage.

I don't have any bright ideas on how to educate your husband so he gets it. Nothing I thought of worked with my ex-wife. To be fair, money issues weren't why the divorce process started; but they were severe enough that they were a reason not to attempt to reconcile.

Patzer

[lautzu]

If toys are his vice, at least convince him that with an effective budget and reduced debt, he can actually have more toys...

In all sincerity, that is really difficult and I wish you the best.

[malisab]

If toys are his vice, at least convince him that with an effective budget and reduced debt, he can actually have more toys...

In all sincerity, that is really difficult and I wish you the best.

True. When DH and I were at our lowest point in our financial-differences, talking to someone who got him excited about 'earning' some toy (a TV at the time) was huge. It was at some point after that that I opened a separate account for the 'bills', just to make sure the money is ALWAYS there. He was absolutely fine with not having access to that account. He's actually on it, but whenever they send a new debit card, I just shred his. He will, on occasion, write a check from it, but we rarely, rarely, rarely ever write checks for anything. We use one account for our 'everyday expenses'.

We've bounced back and forth over time using the debit card for that account for our everyday expenses and using credit cards. The big switch this year, once I got serious about getting out of debt, was to have more money go to the bills account...enough for the bills, and big chunks of debt repayment. Somehow, those didn't used to count as bills. And more recently, the conversation has turned to what constitutes an 'everyday expense' from the household expense and what comes from fun money/allowance. We're still finding our way through those waters.

Hopefully he wants the same outcome as you and is just unsure how to get there and is scared of the changes. Talking about what you both want, where you want to be, and where you are now...those are tough sometimes, but necessary. You've got to find a carrot for him.

[chrish]

Maybe trying something like actual physical envelopes with cash in them would help visualize it. That could help show that he must take money from some other purpose to buy something fun, not just use a big pile of money where it seems like there could be enough.

I would also recommend doing Financial Peace University (FPU) through Dave Ramsey, it should help open up communication about money.

[kjh3bears]

Having lived with someone like your husband, I have to agree with Malisa. The only way to make sure bills are paid and a buffer is built is to put the "bill paying money" in another account to which he has NO access. Take away his debit card and the credit cards and put him on an allowance. It seems harsh and perhaps judgmental, but he is acting like a 2-year-old. As Patzer pointed out, no software will work if someone in the family is sabotaging all your efforts. I wish you lots of luck with this - I am no longer with my 2-year-old (due to a lot of other issues, not just the finances) but not having him around has given me a lot of mental peace in the financial department, mostly because any mistakes made are my own, and I have to fix them myself.
.......... Kim

[malisab]

I'd suggest getting him to think that it's at least partially his idea to have him not be on the account and/or not have debit/credit cards. Edicts don't usually fly that well.

[Patzer]

I'd suggest getting him to think that it's at least partially his idea to have him not be on the account and/or not have debit/credit cards. Edicts don't usually fly that well.

Vouch. When your spouse spends what she wants to spend because she wants to spend it, doesn't care about the long term financial picture, and won't honor any compromises she agrees to, there is nothing that can be done. External controls will only work if the spendy spouse agrees to them and sees them as a way to make things work rather than seeing them as the thrifty spouse being unreasonable and controlling.

Been there, done that, got the house and custody.

Patzer

[phoebe]

Thank you for all of the replies.

I have an account through my credit union that he has no access to and we have a joint account that we use for everything. Funny thing is, he has an account that he THINKS I don't know about - lol, I guess when he runs out of money, then he moves on to our joint account. I believe I will begin putting buffer money into the credit union account and then when I get a months worth of bill money in there I will move on to the next problem - How to pay bills, out of the buffer, i.e. credit union or the joint account? Sigh, What a way to start the new year, but hey, next year this time, I will be glad I did.

Happy New Year All

[WairereRose]

All the best Phoebe.

[lautzu]

Phoebe,

I've still been thinking about your dilemma. Perhaps your husband has the wrong idea about budgeting and who people are who budget; maybe he hears "budget" and imagines "no toys ever". I thought maybe you should show him this thread:

personal-finance-f9/topic5779.html

Shows that we're not all misers here or budgeting because we want to live on Ramen and peanut butter forever (though I do love Jif... ). Budgeting is a way to get what you need or want, whatever that might be.

Anyway, dunno, thought it might be useful.

[macduncan]

Ouch that is tough! I agree on the Financial Peace University. See perhaps if be would at least be interested in reading "total money makeover". My wife has been really great with all this but was tougher for her at first because money talks growing up in her family equated to big fights between her parents.

What helped was when she saw progress with paying things off and not feeling so restricted which she was concerned about. I also realized that she needed some "blow money", not alot, so she felt like it wasn't always going to be so tight. It is kind of like how successful diets include a "free day" where you treat yourselfonce a weekif you have been eating well the rest of the time.

On the separate account...I actually following something I read Ben franklin had written. I have a "fixed" checking for things I have to pay like mortgage etc. I then have a separate "flex" checking out. That is where I spend most of time watching as it is variablelike groceries, eating out, buying a book etc. That was some rinky dink $10 purchase doesn't cause me to bounce my mortgage!

Hope that helps!

Bill

[lautzu]

On the separate account...I actually following something I read Ben franklin had written. I have a "fixed" checking for things I have to pay like mortgage etc. I then have a separate "flex" checking out. That is where I spend most of time watching as it is variablelike groceries, eating out, buying a book etc. That was some rinky dink $10 purchase doesn't cause me to bounce my mortgage!

Hope that helps!

Bill

But what did Ben Franklin say?